So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
