There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
