i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
