My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
