So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
