I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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