So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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