i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
