I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
