Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
