I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
