If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
