I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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