come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
