Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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