I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize