If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
