I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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