i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
