My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
