to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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