I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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