yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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