3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
