Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize