Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm sobbing to NWA
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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