if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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