Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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