I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
