Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
