Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
