Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Randomize
