wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Pooping to opera.
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