Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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