My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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