i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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