dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
