Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
