i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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