Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
