Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
