Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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