The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
May the power of my ass compel you!!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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