I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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