Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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