Moan for me like Helen Keller
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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