that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
