he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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