someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
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