I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize