I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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