and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize