its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
