Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
