twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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