Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
